Baby doesn’t want to sleep alone, what should I do?
Dr Valleteau de Moulliac,
Pediatric advisor for Laboratoires Sarbec
While it is “normal” for your baby to share your room (but not your bed) until 4 to 6 months, you then need to learn to separate from each other and your baby must then sleep alone, in their own bed.
If your infant wants to sleep with you or cannot fall asleep alone, there are of course many possible causes depending on their age:
- You are unable to separate from them for whatever reason.
- You haven’t been able to give them routines, especially if they resist sleep and you are willing to do anything to get them to sleep (holding, stroller, etc.). However, they should wake up where they fell asleep.
- They are afraid… of the wolf, the dark, monsters, witches, etc.… which coincides with the development and explosion of their imagination.
- They had a frightening nightmare and sleeping with you reassures them: your bed becomes their safe place!!!!!
- They are afraid of being abandoned after a new birth in the family or when they don’t see one of their parents in the evening/morning due to a late return or early departure, or after a move, or a trip…
- They become jealous of one of their parents (Oedipus complex) and try to draw attention to themselves
So what should you do?
- Establish a bedtime routine (story, song, arranging stuffed animals, cuddle) always at the same time, in the same order, but in their own bed. Then stay by their side for a little while, but leave before they are completely asleep. If they call you back, reassure them calmly but firmly. Don’t get caught in a vicious cycle.
- When they are older, if they have fears, talk to them and reassure them about their worries, but to make them feel safe, don’t buy into their logic. Don’t respond to their anxieties by showing your own or by feeling guilty. If they’re afraid of the dark, why not try a small nightlight?!
- During the day, teach them to play alone for short periods in their bouncer or playpen.
- Learn to spot the little signs of tiredness (yawning, rubbing ears or eyes), but don’t wait to put them to bed until they’re in the middle of a sleep cycle. That won’t work. Learn to recognize and respect these sleep cycles.
- Create a calm, serene, and protective environment for them during the day.
- Don’t show them your tension, stress, or worries. If an important family event has upset you, if you are sad, explain to them that it’s not their fault and that they don’t need to worry.
- Their position in their bed and the placement of the bed in their room should allow them to see what’s happening and especially the door through which you leave but return in the morning.
All this is not easy, but calm and loving firmness should help you avoid this problem.
